mary|beth

Okay, so, here’s the deal…

I have to admit: I’ve been feeling a little guilty lately.

I had the best of the best intentions of updating this blog (fairly) regularly when I started it on August 31, 2010.

I had the same intention in college with my LiveJournal and in high school with my Blurty.

But this time, it’s just different.  

I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot, usually at the most inopportune times when I have the best ideas and no time to post. In the past, I’ve posted here and there, usually a random thought about nothing, photos, quotes, etc.  But my posts never really had any rhyme or reason; it was just whatever, whenever. I have had this overwhelming feeling lately to change that, but didn’t exactly know where to start.  I knew I wanted to create a post that set a precedent for the posts that are to follow, and that when the time was right, I would just know what to do.  Ideas have come and gone throughout the past few weeks, but nothing has really stuck.

I needed a distraction.

This weekend, I had the privilege of hosting a furry houseguest at my place.  

I’ve been “doggy sitting” this sweet pup, Harley, for a friend of mine while she’s out of town.  We’ve had a great weekend of cuddling, snuggling, playing, and Harley’s favorite, going on walks. This morning at 7AM, Harley…”felt the urge”..and he was sure to let me know.  I quickly changed out of my pjs and into normal clothes, grabbed my MSU baseball hat to cover by beautiful bedhead hairdo, and got Harley ready to go.  I was just going to take him out to do his business and come back up and go back to sleep, but as I was tying my shoes (and as Harley did his potty dance around my door), I felt compelled to just go walk.  

So we did.  

Harley and I walked through the city and down to Lake Michigan.  I was distracted by the conversation I was having with my mom on the phone during the walk that by the time we got to the beach, I hardly noticed how quiet and peaceful my surroundings were.

It was nice.

We got to the water and just sat, admired the view, and hudled together to keep warm.

On the walk back, something happened.

The sign, the feeling, the kick in the pants I needed to fuel this post slowly crept up inside me.  It was a warm feeling that started from my toes and worked its way up to my head.  As I walked through the city/my neighborhood, that feeling continued to grow.  It was almost like time was standing still for this moment of clarity to come full circle.  The city of Chicago was quiet.  There were no horns honking, no people rushing about.  It was so peaceful that I felt like it was the first time I was actually realizing that I live here and I was floating on air…I felt like if I wanted to run, I could run for miles and miles without feeling an ounce of fatigue.  The feeling was so overwhelming that every block or so, I was tempted to stop and take photos of my beautiful surroundings to remember the feeling by.

But I didn’t.  

I don’t know why, but something stopped me every time I went to pull my phone out of my pocket, almost as if snapping a photo would make the feeling that was swirling inside me and running wild in my mind dissipate. 

But everything was so clear and for the first time in months, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about.  

For the longest time, I thought that I should make this post about the journey I’ve been on for the past six months since moving here - how moving to Chicago was the best decision I had ever made, how it woke me up from a life I had been sleep walking through for the past few years, how it made me feel alive, and how it made me finally feel like me again.

As soon as that thought crossed my mind this morning, it was quickly combated with, “Why?” 

And that’s when the feeling started.

Why? Why should I keep bringing up that past?  That’s not my life anymore in the slightest, and that person from seven months ago, a year ago, two years ago is not who I am.  I don’t even know that person anymore and I never want to know her again.  So why keep talking about a part of my life that no longer exists?

That clarity, that peace, that floating on air feeling that exposed me to my world right here, right now - that is my life.  Everything that surrounds that feeling - the people, the places, the noises, the sounds, the smells, the tastes - that is the life I had been searching for, the life I had wanted, the life I was meant to have…all of the time.

So why did this all surface today?  I don’t know.  But what that clarity showed me this morning was that I was afraid to let that life I wanted in.  I guess I felt guilty or that I didn’t deserve it..and I was punishing myself for it by hanging on to whatever threads of my past were left.

Until now.

That feeling this morning was the greatest feeling I’ve ever felt. It was the life that I knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted and deserved to have.

And it’s here.

For good.

The past is gone.  I let it go.  

The feeling I felt today is something that I never want to let out of my grasp.  And I’m not going to.  Because every post from here on out is going to be a reflection of that feeling - the true bliss of my life, the things that ignite and keep that feeling alive all the way down to my bones. These are things that make me incredibly happy, inspired, grateful, appreciative, and that make me, me.

Welcome to the next chapter.  I hope you’re as ready as I am.

Change is on the way…

My dearest Tumblr blog,

I’m sorry that I’ve been neglecting you for the past two months.  I’ve been a little bit busy.

But, that’s not an excuse.

Please know that I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I’m back for good, baby. Your new appearance is just the start of many new and exciting changes we’re going to be going through together.

I’ll be back later today.

GET EXCITED!

Love,

Mary Beth

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Remember that book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

Well today, I was Alexander.  To start my day, I slept through all three of my alarms causing me to jump out of bed in a panic and leave myself absolutely no time to get ready.  I washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed in a hurry and ran out of my door without any makeup on (I apologize to my coworkers both in the office and on Skype who had to see me today…yikes).

As I power walked (let’s be real, ran) to work, I reached up to brush hair away from my face only to realize that I forgot to put on all of my jewelry - two rings, earrings, my watch and a necklace (that was my Grandmother’s) that I wear every single day.  In turn, this made me feel like I was running to work naked (….um, so awkward). Don’t worry, I checked..I did indeed get dressed.  But you know that feeling when you’re used to wearing something every day and then one day you don’t…throws you off a bit.

Got to work where within the first five minutes of being there, I proceeded to spill water all over myself.  I reached down to wipe water from my bag and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach - my wallet was gone.  As I ran through the morning’s events in my head, my heart raced and I could feel myself starting to sweat.  I felt tension building in my body as I imagined someone running off with my credit cards, cash, and everything else I had stowed away.  Once I realized I had left my wallet on my table, I felt the color return to my face and my body stop shaking…but my growling stomach quickly reminded me that while my wallet was safely at home, I now had no money to buy anything for lunch.

And I forgot to eat breakfast.

Throughout the day, whatever could go wrong, absolutely did.  Everything I was working on just seemed to crumble as the day progressed.  I just felt…off. I felt like something just wasn’t clicking; felt like I was having an out of body experience and I was watching myself fail miserably at everything I came in contact with. I felt like I was in my own version of Freaky Friday  where I had switched places with someone (unbeknownst to me) and I woke up trapped inside someone else’s body, someone else’s life…and I had no clue where to begin.

By the end of my day, I honestly thought I would lose it at any moment.  I didn’t know if I would laugh, cry, scream…but I needed to get away.  

I rushed home, burst into my apartment, kissed my wallet, put my running shoes and workout clothes on, grabbed my iPod and was never happier to see my gym in my life.  A couple hours of cardio and lots of angry music later, I came back to reality.  I finished my workout and gazed out the window at the city lights.  As I stared lovingly at the Chicago skyline, the light from my phone caught my eye.  I looked down to see a notification of an email from The Secret. I hopped off the elliptical machine and quickly scanned the content of the email…its message caught me by surprise:

My jaw dropped. Of all the things that email could have said, it just so happened to play directly into the events of my day. My day was bad because I was expecting it to be bad.  By me waking up in a panic, my day instantly started out sour.  And with that, I just let myself believe that my day was going to go to hell - and (trust me) it did!

So, what am I saying from all of this?  Your day is yours.  And while bad things will happen, how you choose to react to them - that feeling you hold in the pit of your stomach - will set the course for the rest of the events in your life that follow…today, tomorrow, next week, next year.  Whether you believe in it or not, the law of attraction plays a significant role in every second of your life.  Your life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you “just because” - everything that comes in your life appears because you believe it to be there….whether it’s good or bad.

Moral of the story?  I’m glad today happened.  It was a reality check for me…it made me realize just how much I love my job and the people I work with who are so supportive on the best of the best days, and the worst of the worst.  It also made the “good moments” of my day seem sensational - from the littlest explanation to someone on how to use certain social media platforms (and the gratitude and happiness that person expressed to me) to a complete stranger lifting my spirits by just smiling at me and wishing me a good week as I passed them on my walk home…I’m grateful for today. And I’m even more grateful that I have tomorrow to turn it all around.